amusedAnarchist

patron-saint-of-smart-asses:

taylor-tut:

taylor-tut:

y’all know that john mulaney quote “the things crazy people say mean nothing to them but everything to me?”

every time i hear that quote, i think about how i got this light-up pen

i got this pen four years ago when i was working as a barista at starbucks. I was on the registers and taking the order of this woman, who ordered a nonfat latte, because she was “watching her weight”

so this guy behind her, whom no one was talking to, for some fucking reason says “wathing your weight? but what about the wait for your watch?“ (which is a completely unhinged response. like just complete Mad Hatter nonsense)

anyway this lady gets really uncomfortable and of the five people (me, him, her, the other checker, and the customer at the other register) who were now sucked into the uncomfortable silence, i decided that i should alleviate the tension by saying “you can’t wait for a watch; you don’t have the time”

and then he said “oh, quick girl!”, gave me that pen, got out of line, and left without ordering anything 

You pleased a mad fae trickster

cheesecake-colored:

marsza:

marsza:

I was doing my makeup today while my brother was fixing his hair. It was quiet and we were both busy doing ourselves up, but after I put on mascara I noticed that Nico was staring at me. “Did you know that some guys wear mascara?” he said and I was like pfft, yeah, of course, dude. I know guys who put on way more than I do. Nico just nodded and continued with his hair. A few minutes later, he brought it up again. “I know a guy who played in my baseball team that would put on mascara. It was … cool, I guess.” And after a moment of awkward silence, I turned to him and went: “Nico, do you wanna try some on?”

Yep. He did. He told me so after a little bit of asking, but he felt intimidated to try it on himself. So, I grabbed a really natural looking mascara and lightly put on one coat for him. It wasn’t all cute and serene, btw, it was very us (”fuck, don’t poke my eye out, bro” “nico, are you fuckin serious, i’m not gonna” “aaah, fuck, you’re gonna poke me!” “stop moving!”). But afterward he looked at himself in the mirror and was hesitant. He said he didn’t know if he liked it. And i just shrugged because…I guess, I didn’t want him to think anything wild about it. He could wear mascara or not, but I didn’t want him to be insecure about it all the same. “Well, that’s fine,” I said. “It’s no big. You just wipe it off and it’s gone. You want me to pass you a wipe?”

But he kept staring at himself in the mirror and he was like: No, actually…I like it. It makes my eyes pop. Then Nico turned around and waggled his eyebrows at me and went: bitches love my eyes. they won’t stand a chance now.

Today, Nico came into my room while I was doing my nails and he asked me what’s good with my mascara and I was like ???. Anyways, that was his form of asking for mascara again, checking himself out in the mirror for a minute and a half, and finally declaring: “I fucks with how this makes my eyes look”

Pure

captain-liddy:

I actually have a lot of heterosexual friends. I suspect my brother might be hetero. And I really don’t have a problem with it. Just like. The hetero ppl I know aren’t all like. Flamboyant about it, ya feel? Like, they aren’t like wearing cargo shorts and watching CBS and shit. I always think it’s kinda tacky when you can tell someone is hetero just by looking at them. Like. Don’t you even care that you’re basically a walking stereotype? It’s just hard to take ppl seriously when they act like that.