So if someone doesn’t want to date you, that makes them ableist?

petitetimidgay:

petitetimidgay:

Nope! I feel like that’s the automatic response when discussing exclusionary preferences in dating because it’s easier to frame the marginalized person as a vindictive, bitter sadsack who slaps isms and phobias on people to blame everyone else or gaslight and guilt trip people who rejected them into dating. Almost everyone only winds up dating a handful of people they like, or hooking up with them, etc. But if you look at the dozens (hundreds? haha) of people I’ve liked since say age 11, it’s statistically unusual that I have not only never dated anyone, but never kissed anyone and so on. Especially because I’m not passive and have told people I liked them many times and asked them out. Many people on dating apps have told me they don’t date disabled people, react with disgust when they say I’m in a chair, or just flat out stop talking to me when I tell them that I’m disabled.

Even in real life, my friends have told me that they wouldn’t date my other disabled guy friends who were attracted to them because they were too disabled. (Of course you can’t flat out say that, but it was “……..I would never.” with a HEAVY pause lol). Or in my case, people tend not to be attracted to me even if they’ve known me for years because I’m too childlike (an infantile stereotype projected onto disabled folks), my muscle spasticity, my speech patterns, my obvious brain damage, and my care needs. All of these things are directly related to my disability and taken together, create someone romantically undesireable. Basically no one will see me romantically because they can only see me as a cute eternal child or sidekick, and even if it’s a perception that’s out of love or a benign stereotype, it still prevents me from fulfilling my social potential.

So no, it’s not “anyone who won’t date me or any other disabled person is an ableist shitbag who hates disabled people,” it’s “dating is much harder for disabled folks because we as a society consider disability and its assumptions as disqualifying for attraction, romantic feelings, and someone’s potential to be a willing, consenting, and desirable partner.”

also it should be noted that able people shame each other out of dating disabled people with their own stigmas. If you’re an able-bodied or neurotypical person dating someone with a physical or especially mental disability, you’re seen as a predatory creep taking advantage of a childlike person who everyone assumes can’t understand adult relationships or consent. Or the automatic assumption that you have a fetish or are taking advantage of them financially.